Proof that writers aren't completely useless
Or: how to secure a promotion (secretly)
Dear M,
The common belief about writers is that we’re a bunch of useless time-wasters: a slew of poverty-wallowing fruit-baskets who drink too much and don’t work enough and never have a chance to put our skills — supposing we actually have any — to good and practical use.
I don’t have a rebuttal to the drinking jab or the fruit-basket jab or even that we spend a lot of our time doing anything other than making money. But I did write this letter years ago — a short resume for a quiet, unassuming coworker who kept getting passed up for promotions even though he was the right man to move up. And my cohorts loved it so much, and they found it so true, so well-deserved, and so devoid of fudging or flattery that when I went around the business, asking people to sign it, they gave their emphatic thanks, gladly scribbled their John Hancocks, and he ended up getting called into the office. He’s now a part of the bourgeoisie (as I call them), and while I worked there, all of us were better for it.
The letter was such a glowing exposition of good character that reading it makes me warm to this day — not just because I wrote such an uplifting and solid piece, but because I had such a good subject to write about. Such paeans are usually reserved for drunk wedding speeches and funerals. It was my honor to launch this anonymous and invincible salvo while the subject was still living — and for him to find out about it not from the peons, but from his superiors.
So far as I’m aware, he has yet to find out it was written by me.
Yours,
-J
June 20th, 2026
P.S. The job itself may be described, by those who value income and glamour more than virtue and character, as necessary to society — but humble.
The status of the job here is almost beside the point. Lincoln once put it, whatever you are, be a good one. The Latter Day Saints (who have an affinity and a knack for folksy wisdom) would put it as “whate’re thou art, act well thy part.” To see a man perform a “working class” job with skill and grace almost always fills you with admiration. On the other hand, I have no idea what to do with men who claim a job is “beneath” them — and somehow fail to do it with finesse.
People want to raise the first man up, sometimes beyond his actual ability. The latter they just want to cut down. We have been enamored with girls running the lines at Chick-Fil-A. We’ve had doctors and professors who inspired us — to throw such “highly-trained professionals” right off a cliff.
P.P.S. Samuel Johnson once wrote, The only end of writing is to enable readers better to enjoy life, or better to endure it. So far I find myself justly acquitted. But he also wrote No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money; so it’s a wash.
Dear R- (and other applicable management),
We know employee appreciation notices come from above, but we wanted to make today the first time you’ve ever seen one come from below.
The subject here is B-. Many of us have worked with him for years now, and have had a chance to see his character in action. This last week he was the one thing standing between the [X] department and total disaster. He stayed hours overtime to ensure things ran smoothly, and because of him they did. He worked both sides of the department, jumping back and forth with total fluidity. He was knowledgeable beyond anyone else working the [X] department and he operated under stressful conditions with absolute equanimity. And he designed even our schedule to complete satisfaction.
But this was just one week among many, and concerning only the [X] department. His general virtues and talents, in no particular order, are as follows.
1) As mentioned above, he has an absolute mastery of whatever he puts his mind to.
It’s commonly said that “B- knows everything” about how the business runs, and joked that if B- doesn’t know, it’s possible nobody does. He functions as a kind of walking [company] encyclopedia or manual.
2) He’s cool under fire.
When things get ugly, B- is as gentle and mild-mannered as when things are going smoothly.
3) He’s dedicated.
We can count on B- to be there when things go to hell. He works overtime when we need him to and nobody else can, does all jobs regardless of his rank, and he does it without complaining. Note his versatility, too: how he can jump between departments, and is frequently called to do so.
4) He’s well-liked by those who work for him.
Because B- has a cool head, he’s able to navigate even difficult departments with volatile mixes of people, steering clear of drama, and making himself popular with all cliques and factions. He’s a man you can approach with a problem, because his judgments are clear and impartial, and he’s the kind of man who will fix it for you if he can. He’s firm when he needs to be, but fair.
These virtues being noted, we know it’s not our business to tell you or anyone else in management who to pick for a promotion. But we ask you to consider B-, who didn’t put us up to this letter and doesn’t even know about it, for the next available shot at manager. We love working with him, and feel, on a deep level, that a man as humble as B-, who is good at everything except tooting his own horn, ought to have his horn tooted for him.
Thank you for your time and consideration, and for always fighting (and we would argue, succeeding) to keep [company] a great place to work.
Sincerely,
[This letter was signed by an overwhelming number of employees, and resulted in B’s promotion to management the following month]