On getting called a Nazi

Dear T,

One of the great ironies of our society is that if you’re “a schedule Nazi” you’re really great at running a schedule, if you’re “a cleanliness Nazi” you’re really great at cleaning things up, if you’re “a rule Nazi” you’re trusted to follow the rules, but if you’re just “a Nazi” people don’t think you should have a job.

If any of our ancestors were to be dropped into America today and just followed the lingo, they might be led to think that being “a Nazi” made you a superior person — the Master Race, even. But to my knowledge this is the first time anyone has been really good at everything except “being a good person.” A real insult would be saying “he doesn’t know how to run anything.” But we saved this term for “liberals” — the people who are allowed to run things, like California and the whole UK, into the ground.

For instance, nobody has ever been called “a liberal spender” without living on the edge of bankruptcy. If you got “a liberal education” it means you went bankrupt to not be educated. If you have “liberal values” it means you value everybody who lacks values. And if you “liberate a country,” well, it just means Americans blew it up. If anyone was to say “I’m liberalizing my schedule,” the only thing that would tell us is he probably won’t be on time for dinner. And somehow being “a liberal” is socially acceptable — respectable. According to HR, employable even.

I bring this up because I’ve been called a Nazi so many times it’s starting to not sting. And it should. After all, I really do believe in freedom of speech. I’m against brownshirts and collectivists and real bullies in general. I believe in real but limited suffrage, no drug-testing for the House and Senate, and Midnights by Taylor Swift. I believe in a well-regulated but not-too-encumbered capitalism, a totally-free pricing system, and the centerpiece of my existence is a long-haired Jew. In saner times this would get me branded as “a liberal” — and in most ages and places “a radical.” But today, because I believe in protecting a liberal system with a border, and not letting in too many people who either inbreed, or can’t read, or won’t follow the rules, I am now considered “a Nazi.”

The actual Nazis — who, by the way, would run any big city better than what we call “liberals” today — had many flaws, and even some diabolical ones. But turning absolutely every town they ever touched into a third-world ghetto isn’t one of them. And the big question today isn’t whether liberals are good and Nazis are bad. It’s whether Americans know what “good” and “bad” even mean.

When someone asks us whether someone is “good,” the first thing we ought to ask is, for what? For instance, did the city get cleaner and safer now that more guys like him moved in? In politics this might be a good start. And how are his children doing?

Also, is his wife happy? Is he good at his job? Are his words wholesome — life-giving, encouraging? Does he improve the general mood, or wreck it? Does he know the difference between someone who needs help and a professional victim? Does he take valid criticism and new information well? Can he handle his drink? Can he protect the people he loves? Does he know how to fix things — and messy situations? Is he able to explain how things work — and especially when they don’t? And does he help other people like this thrive, or does he hurt them?

In other words, the marks of being a “good person” aren’t whether you’re called a liberal or a Nazi. In the end they’re more like Paul’s qualifications for being a deacon.

Simply put, I want people like this to run our society, and I think there have to be rules to keep their opposites out of power. I would call these winners The Master Race (no matter their race) because everyone like this deserves to be in charge. I don’t know whether this makes me a Nazi, but I know it’s the main thing that keeps anyone from ruining their country.

And last I take comfort in the words of P.J. O’Rourke:

I have often been called a Nazi, and, although it is unfair, I don’t let it bother me. I don’t let it bother me for one simple reason. No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal.

Yours,

-J