How to get your leftist aunt to protest nuclear war
A handy list even a doofus can appreciate
Dear M,
Ever since Soviet Russia got The Bomb, the unspoken rule has been obvious: the big countries pour men and money into little countries until the little counties look like you did a nuclear war in them. Hell, you can even dump Agent Orange on your own troops in little countries until the kids all have third arms; but nuclear weapons are verboten, and for the love of God, or even just the love of money, or of power, of maybe just life, nobody uses an actual nuke, and nobody attacks the big country that caused the war in the first place. Not even when they're godless commies. Not even when they're godless capitalists.
That all changed this week when the American President, a senile old child-sniffer who can't find his way off a stage, decided that we would arm a little country with long-range missiles and then tell them to fire missiles into Russia. Or maybe his nurse decided it. Russia responded accordingly (and rudely, might I add) by threatening nuclear war “by Christmas” — even though Donald Trump was elected president, will take the office in two months, and both Russia and Ukraine were starting to talk peace because of it.
The weird thing is, despite us going from the tail-end of a small war to what looks like The Beginning of the End, the left has been completely silent. In fact, not a single blue-haired misbreed or a cat lady has voiced an objection on my Facebook feed, or even mentioned it in passing. And the reason is clear. How can you complain about a nuclear war being started for the dumbest reason when your boy is in charge? You could lose an election! Just like the one that just happened!
As such I’ve drafted a handy list of reasons so even your stupid leftist aunt and all the other petty halfwits might get over their own egos — enough for them to mention, maybe even casually, that they don't want everyone to get blown up. You can tell them, for instance,
That America has Britney Griner in it and she must be protected at all costs (again).
That nuclear war is even more dangerous than going to Thanksgiving with an unvaccinated person.
That we just freed Britney Spears after a hard campaign, and how is she supposed to live her life now if we live in a nuclear wasteland?
That in a war we could lose even more saints like George Floyd and Tamir Rice.
That launching missiles into Russia after Putin said he wants to negotiate peace is almost as bad as deadnaming somebody.
That Democrats don't like mass shootings and that nuclear missiles are basically guns that are very very big (say this like you’re talking to a baby).
That if everybody’s dead, a woman loses her right to kill fully-formed babies.
This list isn't comprehensive by any means, but I think it gets the job done.
Yours,
-J