Dating white women: a handy guide

Ignore at your own peril

Dear T,

White women have always been my favorite; but times have changed since I was playing the field, and now the big question a young man has to ask, when chasing a beautiful, college-aged honky, is whether the target of his affections is bonkers.

With other countries you only have to worry about things such as The Ugly Bomb or whether she’ll throw pans at your head — I refer here respectively to the Arabs and the Mexicans. But since 2002 the chances a white woman will need a helmet or a straitjacket have easily gone to 1 in 2. And to make things worse, all the tell-tale signs — Disney merch and fidget spinners and propeller beanies, et al — have either gone mainstream or are now totally defunct.

(Even medications are no longer a sign, since the stigma is gone, and white women like to collect them like Pokemon cards so they can feel important. In the world of corporate diversity the only options available were race or sexual orientation or religion or mental illness; but the tanning beds weren’t strong enough, they didn’t like the way they looked in bow ties and suspenders or a burkha, and they decided to go with looking bat-shit).

So how does a man navigate a minefield with no warnings? Does he just crawl through the mud, poking his shovel willy-nilly, hoping for a miracle? Even in the Bronze Age Solomon said a good wife is a gift from the Lord; and this means you never knew what you were getting until it was too late. But I suppose this has always been the case with men too. The difference is, women have always had clear signs.

For instance, when looking for a man, a woman would ask — does he have a job? Is he good at it? Is he likely to move up as we build a family? Could he protect me from a kidnapper, or a psycho? Does he chew with his mouth open? (They never ask “would he beat me?” because, as we all know, the men who beat women are knee-deep in whoopie. For the same reason, we know women almost never ask “would he cheat on me?”)

But women are a different animal. They survive on art and polish; and all the best tell-tale signs women use for men, such as whether he's a go-getter, are almost totally irrelevant in her case. Most people care if their wives are useful and competent, of course — I exclude such notables as Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, George W Bush, Barack Obama, and Joseph Robinette Biden. But nobody cares if his wife is a doctor. They care about whether she can nurse. And that’s something tits can only imply.

The real signs of lunacy, on the other hand, are all rock-solid if you ask the right questions. Be careful to use tact here, because if you ask these questions the wrong way and she’s a psycho, she’ll probably scream Nazi! in the middle of a restaurant; and if she’s sane, she’ll think, “does this guy think I’m a f@$*&(% psycho?” Either of which is a problem.

But in short you’ll want to know:

1. Does she think marriage is for people who are in love?

This one is important because I’ve met countless men whose wives left them, took the house, and abandoned the kids, just because they “loved him like a brother.” No arguing. No warning signs. Just plain old, “we get along great. but you’re just not exciting enough.”

Were the guys boobs? Absolutely — usually just as doofy and unattractive as their counterparts. Did they have thinning hair and terrible morning breath? Undoubtedly. But marriage isn’t about whether you want to bang somebody’s brains out. It’s about whether you can build a life together — especially with children! — no matter how many other people want to bang you. It should also be fairly obvious, from inscrutable things such as “wedding vows” and “laws,” that marriage isn't about staying in love. It's about what happens when you fall out of it. This is how an adult views marriage, which I why I view women who fail to answer this question correctly Top Tier Morons.

2. Does she think being fit is optional, and being fat is cool?

No comment necessary, but I’ll indulge the reader just in case. This is a question of whether she understands objective goods and evils. This is like asking, would you rather be strong or weak? and she answers weak. This is like asking would you rather be smart or dumb? and she answers dumb. This is literally asking would you rather be beautiful or ugly? and she answers ugly.

What it means is that she’s so susceptible to indoctrination and propaganda that she couldn’t find her ass if somebody said it was on her head. If you play with this fire I hope you get burned.

3. Does she think having a dog and having a kid are the same thing?

This one is interesting because, unlike the last question, which deals with whether she’s a liar, it shows something is deeply wrong with her actual taste. This is like somebody asking if you like movies by Steven Spielberg or Christopher Nolan and saying, “not really: I prefer Spongebob Squarepants.” This is like somebody giving you a choice between eating a ribeye or a Ball Park and you choosing the Ball Park. This is implicitly saying, “I don’t want a family because I don't know what love is, and I’m afraid to spread my genes.”

And why are they afraid to spread their genes? Because deep down, they know their genes are stupid.

It’s worth noting here that the usual reason a woman prefers a dog to a kid isn’t just because she’s shallow. It's because she says “babies are such hard work,” and then, instead of loving a beautiful and eternal little being, she chooses to go to actual work. She then spends her youth on back-pats from her douche boss — or worse, becomes a douche boss — instead of building her real legacy and hearing “mama, I love you.” Oh, and then she spends her whole paycheck on a freaking daycare. Great trade, mongo.

4. Does she hate being white? Does she have a white savior complex? Does she feel like every single “minority” is an innocent child of peace — and that when they aren’t, it’s your race’s fault?

This woman will absolutely cheat on you because she’s already cheated on everybody else. She will sell her body and soul for almost anyone else except the people who look like, oh, you know, her family. She also has no idea what accountability is — for instance, when somebody is actually guilty or innocent. And having zero sense of accountability, believe it or not, is one of the chief signs of being a dumbass.

It really is this simple

5. Does she praise women for being “strong women”?

Big tip: none of the women you know who are actually strong refer to other women as “strong women.” An actually strong woman, in the man’s sense, has usually been through something horrible, so whatever she’s dealing with, you feel like she can handle it. She can criticize without being a whiner. She’s trusted to take care of business because everyone knows she can deliver the goods. She can switch gears to leading or following with ease, and people want her on their team because she makes them feel like they can win. She has a gleam in her eye, and can get men to do what she wants because deep down, they all want to marry her.

But this isn't what women mean when they call other women “strong.” What they mean is a loudmouth who has to get her way all the time, and if she doesn’t get her way, she'll find a way to hurt you. "Strong women” are the kind of women everyone is nice to because they’re afraid of them. And because they're afraid of them, they hate them.

The woman who worships them — who loves to see a “girl-boss” “kick ass” — will also be happy kicking your ass. For show. That is, in public. And if you marry her, you deserve it, because (surprise!) you are both stupid.

6. Is she obsessed with the LGBTQ community?

This is a woman who has no idea what sex really exists for — that is, to perpetuate meaning through procreation. She's a giant fan of twinks, not only because she either can’t handle or can’t appreciate manly men, but because twinks are usually the only men whose sexual standards are lower than her own. Their history on Grindr is even more embarrassing than hers on Tinder.

She says drag queens are “beautiful,” even though drag queens are basically circus clowns and you never see her complimenting Bozo. She says trans women are real women but if you say she looks like a trans woman she’ll hate you. She pretends she can’t define a woman, which means it's impossible for her to be a good one. And this isn't just because she’s a liar. It’s also because she's bonkers.

7. Does she refer to her exes as "narcissists”?

Amazing how so many men became narcissists overnight, isn’t it? This is because a woman who’s bonkers needs to blame her failures on mental illness. Not on stupidity, I remind you — the fact that she chooses bad partners. And she doesn’t blame it on her mental illness. That would require understanding and compassion — from you. In other words, when she has a mental issue, she gets a “mental health day” and a badge that says “I’m special.”

What I mean here is that she has to believe her exes are mentally ill because, how could a relationship with someone like her go to complete shit? How about a look in the mirror, genius.

8. Does she have shirts and posters that say “be kind,” “good vibes only,” “everyone is welcome here,” and “mental health”?

If so, buckle up: you’re about to get the exact opposite.

Yours,

-J

P.S. It’s worth mentioning here that not every woman who shows signs of idiocy may actually be an idiot. A lot of it may be youth’s fault; and in fact some of them throw off these hallmarks of lunacy and end up being pretty good wives. But do you really want to risk it? And let’s be real: aren’t there other important signs of character? Other than red flags about being a psycho?

For instance, can she admit when she’s wrong? Does she like to learn and grow even when it isn’t easy? Does she contribute in a serious way to the holidays — the food and decor and music, for instance? And does she really like your jokes? (Don’t downplay these last two. They prove, first, whether she’s the kind of woman who can turn a house into a home. And second, whether she’ll be able to stand living in it).

The question of how she treats her dad and the waiter are always a solid go-to for character. But despite being the most polished of all animals, whether or not she dresses herself well is almost beside the point. The rest of your life you’ll be seeing her in PJs anyway; and even if she’s a clothes horse, a nice dress never looked good on a pig. What matters most is that she keeps herself intact and doesn’t dress like a fool.

Even here there’s a precarious balance. Sweat pants in public are a likely sign of degeneracy. Impeccable style is a harbinger of imminent bankruptcy. And the real thing you need to know — whether she’s neat and clean — should be readily apparent from the back seat of her car.

This is the first time you’ll be happy to see a pile of McDonalds wrappers. It means with a little willpower, you can safely dodge a bullet. At this point just open the door and throw yourself onto the freeway — it will be less painful than a daily step onto one of her Legos.

Solomon’s mom, writing to him as Lemuel (his joke name, I assume), has a slightly higher standard for women than I do:

Who can find a wife of noble character?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good instead of harm
all the days of her life.
She picks out wool and flax in the market
and works them with eager hands.
She’s like the merchant ships
bringing food from afar.
She gets up while it’s still night;
she makes food for her family
and has enough to feed even the servants.
She finds a good field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She goes about her work with good speed;
and her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading turns a profit,
and her lamp doesn’t go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with nimble fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows she doesn’t worry for her household
because all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
and she herself is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders.
She makes clothes of linen and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with stylish sashes.
She herself is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come instead of cowering.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and doesn’t eat the bread of laziness.
Her children get up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you do better than all of them.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for everything her hands have done,
and let people praise her for her works at the city gate.

A tall order for a woman — which is probably the reason he says, in Ecclesiastes 7, that he’s never found a good one. It seems even mom didn’t make the cut.

I have some better advice for him: if you want to enjoy women, try cheating less and dreaming smaller.