Concerning my unsaintly language
An apology to the foot washers (kinda)
Dear H,
Every once in a while I say something so brutal that I'm cornered into that uncomfortable question: whether kicking somebody in the pants is Christlike or not. I suppose the first question should be whether or not they deserved it.
Of course, since the book of Matthew was written, everyone refers to chapter 21:12-17 whenever he wants to act like an ass. They believe they’re entitled, as little Christs, to cleanse the temple every now and then; and that to forbid them to spit on their hands, hoist the black flag, and start slitting throats (as Mencken put it) is to stand in the way of Christ Himself. But I'm more humble than most of these clowns, and doubly original; so I'll refer to this passage in Ezekiel instead (NIV). It regards Israel herself, the so-called people of God.
When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her naked body, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses [emphasis mine].
Now I don’t like to refer to donkeys ejaculating and I don't intend to (that often); but if my language gets called into question, sometimes I'll point here — especially when the people calling attention to my language are Christians. This isn't my fault. It was you guys who told me the whole Bible was inspired by God, that God Himself inspired Ezekiel here, and that Jesus and God are the same person. Does that make Ezekiel's statement Christlike? You can answer that for yourself: I only use him as an example because "fuckin" fit my sentence so well in the last essay, and I didn't feel so much like removing it.
There was also the issue of tone, but in my view calling someone an “old whore who likes big dicks and donkey spooge” is a lot worse than calling anyone a "religious doofus,” a “pompous ass,” or “disgusting.” And of course we could argue about this all day, whether Christ is a being of love or He likes to throw a good punch, whether these are two sides of the same coin, and whether we're supposed to be like Him or to do what He says. There are good arguments made for each, though; and I'll just add here that Solomon said there's a right time for everything.
Don’t roll your eyes: you guys said that Solomon was speaking for God too. Once again, you handed me all the ammo and I’m just firing off a few rounds. You claim the have the answers: I’m just sending you back some questions you'll have to ask yourself — especially after reading the next paragraph.
For instance, if God really is a being of light, as I believe He is, shouldn't that make us look stupid from time to time? Maybe every day, I would guess; especially if you're listening for Him. And maybe He does it gently. But other times I feel you're wearing a propeller beanie in a corner with your pants down and all of a sudden He turns on a spotlight; and you're left there so naked and silly that there isn't any way to recover your dignity. Sometimes that spotlight is on me. Sometimes He uses me to shine the spotlight. As such I don't believe I'm better than anyone else. It was just my time to be on the giving end of a beating — and although I should be more gracious, especially as someone prone to screwups myself, sometimes my wit and testosterone and moral indignation get the best of me. And I end up writing you a letter about it.
I feel bad, my friends — I really do. But not that much. I published that thing and then apologized to God for using such a broad stroke. I just don't know how to point out when someone is being a sanctimonious ass without sometimes ending up the same way. Does this admission make me more righteous or less? God forgive me — I am one of you, and the fact that I’m an ass is one of the reasons why I love Jesus so much in the first place. Simply put, I need Him.
Yours,
-J
P.S. This leaves us with another question: what would a saintly kick in the pants look like? If we take Paul himself seriously, the "do everything in love" guy, that would encompass saying "I hope they cut their dicks off." Do we just speak to everybody in love, as he says? Or do we take his other words seriously, and "Imitate me, as I imitate Christ"?
This question is unanswerable to me, at least with my current understanding of “love your enemies;” but it reminds me that people who say the whole Bible is the word of God are the fastest at sweeping sections of it under the rug — especially when it applies most.
For instance, if the whole Bible is the word of God, then why does Paul say in First Corinthians chapter 7 that he (Paul) is speaking not from God, but from himself? Kind of a weird conundrum there. It's the first time in recorded history, I think, where the author explicitly says he's not speaking from the Holy Spirit — and people have so much faith in his words that they totally ignore what he says. And he says it two times.
I’m not saying here that “the Bible is uninspired, so treat it however you like.” I’m saying that everyone has to cherry-pick sooner or later, and the best you can do is to think it through and be honest about it. God handed you a grand piano, and many of you think you can get Rachmaninoff by banging the keys with your head willy-nilly. This doesn’t make anyone look Godly. It makes us look really silly.